EDITORS NOTE: This leak was acquired at great risk to life and limb by a journalist whistleblower who works for one of the major news franchises. We credit them for their boundless courage and endless integrity – the fiber of which makes a true journalist. While we don’t condone the actions the whistleblower took in obtaining these documents, we feel it is in the public interest to release them here unedited. This includes some foul language.
DAILY HILLARY CAMPAIGN CONFERENCE CALL WITH MAJOR MEDIA
HILLARY: All right, let’s begin. You bastards haven’t been doing your job. Trump is up in Florida, Ohio and now Virginia and tied in Pennsylvania. Arthur what the hell is your paper doing? I see Bezos put 20 people on writing attack stories and I look at the New York Times and you’re doing some feel good Islam propaganda like you think you are the goddamned BBC or AP! I want ten attack stories on Trump every damn day, you got it? I don’t care if David Brooks hands fall off and flop onto his keyboard or if Bruni has to break a date with a boyfriend. More Khan stuff too. I want to see his ugly mug every time I open a paper over the next week. Get them churning out stuff every damn day do you hear me?
A. SULZBERGER: Yes. Loud and clear. Your wish is my command.
HILLARY: It better be! Your godawful paper is sinking in red ink. If I don’t get elected Carlos Slim wont get his remittance money and you won’t get any more damn bailouts. And what’s with Krugman? is he sitting on his Nobel prize and spinning again? It’s been two whole days since he wrote an attack piece – and a shitty, boring one at that! McAuliffe fell asleep reading that “derp spiral” crap! Derp? Is that the best you can do? Fix it or be fixed permanently. Also, don’t even bother with any “fake” balance stories. I don’t want to read one bad line about me anywhere, do you hear me? Not a goddamned thing!
A. SULZBERGER: It shall be done.
HILLARY: Now CNN has been doing an okay job, but it can be better! Wolf? Blitzer? Are you here?
WOLF BLITZER: Yes, I’m here.
HILLARY: What the hell did you think you were doing dancing and letting yourself get filmed like that? Are you lobotomized? You dance in your fucking shower if you want to dance! You are of no use to me whatsoever once you lose credibility and are known as one of my surrogates!
WOLF BLITZER: I’m sorry. I was just so happy for you-
HILLARY: Stuff a sock in it. You, like everyone else, just want the damn bonuses you’ve been promised if I win. I saw the way you let that goody two-shoes Ben Carson respond to questions without cutting him off and redirecting! You think I don’t see that stuff? I do. I see everything! EVERYTHING! Get your act together or you won’t just be the butt of Obama’s Correspondent Dinner jokes with that other tool Don Lemon. You’ll retire sooner than you expected.
WOLF BLITZER: Yes. Understood. It won’t happen again.
HILLARY: Now listen close. One more time for all of you who didn’t pay attention the first time! I want no Bernie Sanders stories – none. Pretend that self-important ass fell off the face of the earth! Most of you have complied but not the dumb Huffington Post! No, they can’t seem to follow a simple instruction!
A. HUFFINGTON: But it was just a piece saying Sanders supporters shouldn’t be poor losers?
HILLARY: Can you wrap your head around anything you idiot? Just mentioning Sanders name brings down my polling numbers. Already only the idiots believe all these polls we turn out. Sanders supporters, those little insufferable shits, are going for Trump or that tree hugger Stein. I wouldn’t care if you write a story that Sanders is white and his supporters were racists, I want NO MENTION of Sanders! Period. End of story.
A. HUFFINGTON: Okay.
HILLARY: On the plus side, I’m happy with how you all buried the DNC leaks story. That Assange prick needs to be dealt with and he is going to leak more shit out – and all of you need to suppress every bit of it when it appears! That Russian thing was good for a few days, but Putin is getting pissed off and we need to find someone else to blame. We can’t let anyone know that parts of the current administration are leaking this garbage to that bastard! NSA and CIA folks are so smug as they plot against me. They’ll all pay. I’ll fire them all when I’m President. Every last one of them! Now, more important stuff – all of you need to push McCain and Ryan. I need people I can count on to roll over like a dog when I’m President and those two are the most reliable dogs. Protect them. Put some more bogus poll numbers out there before Ryan’s open primary. And make sure Sanders’ supporters don’t screw this up and vote for his opponent. Bury Nehlen, bury him with his tattoos and motorcycle in the media graveyard!
MULTIPLE VOICES : It’s a done deal.
HILLARY: Okay now with the polls. You gave Trump his “bounce” after their convention and then took it away as ordered. Now it’s time to keep pounding the bad polls everyday. I want to see Trump supporters suicide in the streets with their red caps on, depressed about polls! Make them hysterical! Say I’m 20 points ahead by the end of August! Drive them nuts! Drive Trump nuts! He eats that poll shit up and still doesn’t do any internal polling and won’t even know I’m behind in most of these stupid Bernie infected states! Is Bezos here?
J. BEZOS: I am. What’s up?
HILLARY: I want you to join the other billionaires who have endorsed me. I want a “billionaire barrier” made up of you, Buffett, Cuban and Bloomberg. I’m afraid Trump is getting together a powerful group of people who plan to funnel money into his campaign and already I am spending 40:1 just to stay even with that son of a bitch.
J. BEZOS: Don’t you think that will undermine the credibility of the Washington Post, if its owner endorses you?
HILLARY: Jeffrey, let’s put it this way – if you don’t endorse me, your stocks will take a turn for the worse once the antitrust action is announced against Amazon.
J. BEZOS: Fine. I’ll endorse you. But it will weaken the Washington Post.
HILLARY: Trump already pulled their press credentials and no one reads your paper anyway. Who are they going to read? Chris Cillizza? Give me a break. You bought that worthless paper, deal with it. Oh! One more thing – I don’t want to see any photos of my events that haven’t been cropped and edited to make them look full. I’m tired of these comparison shots that show those filled Trump idiots drooling in a stadium next to my ¼ filled high school gymnasium! If you see anyone using their cell phone cameras past the roped off areas and you just take it from them! I want more bodies at these events. Each reporter who attends my rallies should bring their entire family. Maybe even extended family! These actors are unconvincing. I’m sick and tired of looking at people staring into space as I talk. Hire better actors, even if you need to pay them more than 50 dollars a day! I want to see enthusiasm and excitement like Bernie & Trump get – not these brain dead looking folks you have in front of the cameras now. Understood?
GROUP VOICES: Yes!
HILLARY: Now get to work! Till tomorrow.
(EDITORS NOTE: To protect our source we are going to announce this whole thing is a parody. Any resemblance to people living or dead is purely coincidental.)