NOTE: An intrepid source claiming to be from the Washington Post leaked to us this story. The source told us that the Washington Post was afraid to print it. Like all Washington Post sources we are certain we can rely on them for unimpeachable integrity and journalistic quality.
In an undisclosed location, the most unlikely of meetings took place on November 15th, 2016. I was sitting in a parking lot when a flat black Lamborghini pulled up to the curb about fifty yards away. I grabbed my camera and started snapping when I saw the occupant exit the vehicle. It was superstar Kanye West.
Within moments a limousine pulled up and an armored sport utility vehicle. Could it be?
Donald Trump stepped out of the SUV with no press anywhere in sight. He must’ve ditched them. This concerned me greatly because everyone knows that anyone who ditches the press is up to no good and has something to hide.
The biggest shock was when Putin exited the limousine and joined Trump and Kanye.
They were moving towards a building and my reporter’s sense for news was in overdrive. I had to know what this was all about. So I jumped out of my Prius and clandestinely followed the trio at a safe distance. I pretended I was visiting a store nearby and only looked at them out of the corner of my eye.
Putin was laughing and I cracked out my trusty tape recorder while looking through the shop window. The scene was noisy. What follows is the best a CIA source could manage for a transcript. The CIA source assured me that there was no doubt that this transcript had a high ratio of certainty.
Putin: “Everything is planned to perfection. We have hacked the DNC and John Podesta, planting incriminating emails onto their accounts. We put in a bunch of emails from journalists too, that will make them look as foul as a two year old banana.”
Trump: “Your hackers were ready for election day, thank goodness! With Hillary’s prowess on the campaign trail and those enormous crowds she had been scoring, I was just a little worried.”
Putin: “Ha! Your sense of humor never grows old, Donald. I can’t wait until we put you into the oval office and you do my bidding. Remember pick Tillerson for Secretary of State!”
Kanye: “I want to go over my role again. At my next concert I reveal I am a Trump supporter and want to get into politics. Then I just run and will be President in 2024 after you hack that election?”
Putin: “Yes. Precisely. After the people of America are enamored with a celebrity President they will be ready for you.
Trump: “Have fun with it Kanye – make the media flip their shit. Those parasites have been hounding you as much as me. I will have you up to Trump Tower and we can already pave the way for your run in 2024. We will laugh at the corrupt media.”
Putin: “I love you guys. Group hug. We will rule the world together.”
The three moved further away and I could not follow because the secret service were all over me when I tried. I took my camera and tape recorder and went to my car, not yet realizing the full significance of what I uncovered.
POSTSCRIPT: Since this was published we have received vile, racist, xenophobic threats from the “Alt-Right” who are clearly threatened by this airing of the whole truth and the vast Russian conspiracy to elect Donald Trump and Kanye West. The integrity of American elections is at stake and we suggest everyone spread this story until it becomes viral. All electors need to read this stunning proof of Russian interference in the US election!