The following is a collection of transcripts made possible by former President Obama’s intelligence sharing order and Google, Apple, Samsung and the countless devices that can watch and listen to their owners.
The reactions to Donald Trump’s Syria strike are all over the place but here are a few unpublicized conversations and reactions from notable personalities.
DISCLAIMER: *For entertainment purposes only, Any similarity to persons living or dead is entirely coincidental*
Temporary Situation Room
DT: Send Cruise missiles into an empty air base? Seriously? Is this what Patton would’ve done?
JK: If Patton had to deal with the political climate of today, sure he would. It furthers a strategic objective at a key time. Hold on, I‘m getting a call.
DT: Can we at least use old Cruise missiles that are about to expire? What’s the cost on those missiles?
CJC: About 1.5 million apiece Mr. President. We bought them long before you came in and we were ripped off blind. They cost about 30k apiece to make – tops. Technically they don’t have a shelf life, but we’ll fire the oldest ones. There are about 59 missiles scheduled for replacement in six months.
DT: Okay do it. Fire all 59 of them. It puts them to good use. Do it while I’m at dinner with Xi. Then after he gets informed by his aides, I can lean over and say ‘you ready for dessert?’ Then we can talk about North Korea after dinner in the right mindset.
JK: That was Putin, he’s on board. The base will be a ghost town in fifteen minutes.
DT: We ready with the press? Those morons will wet themselves with excitement when they hear Assad has been hit. Can you imagine their faces as they report it? Get the TIVO rolling on all channels.
SS: We’ll have the press release all ready to go out in ten minutes.
JK: Gorsuch who?
After strikes announced
O: He did what?
SR: He attacked Assad. 59 Cruise missiles at an airbase.
O: Does he know who really launched those chems? He’s no idiot. Why would he strike Assad if Assad didn’t launch the chems? What’s his game?
SR: He’s playing the msm again. He knows they’ll have to report it favorably since all reported Assad launched the chems. If we imply Assad didn’t do it we lose. If we criticize him for doing it we lose. And he’s doing it right while Gorsuch’s vote is coming up. The missiles will be the lede everywhere.
O: Chill. We’re covered…
SR: But when Gorsuch is in, they can proceed with going after all of us! We don’t even know if Roberts will still be in our pocket. He probably knows we can’t do what we threatened anymore. How the hell did any of this s–t happen? We rigged Florida with 400k votes and he *still* won it! All our fake news didn’t change the outcome. All our spying left us with a big nothing-burger to use against him! The man is a f—–g saint and now we’re all screwed! S didn’t pay me enough to go to prison!
O: Chill. Seriously. Trump will never go after us. He fears what might happen if he does.
SR: How can you be so sure?
O: Look at how he congratulated Hillary for her service! He was just mocking her as punishment. Has he pursued her in any way, shape or form even though he has her in a thousand different ways? No. We still have our resources and he doesn’t know how deep they go or who to trust. So we just keep our heads low and work quietly. We’re in this too deep to stop now. Hell, he didn’t even repeal Obamacare. It’s all show. He must really just want to enrich himself from the office. Nobody could actually care about Americans the way he pretends to. Hail globalism!
SR: Hail globalism! I hope you’re right. Now give me some sugar, daddy…
4 hours after attack
P: (minutes of extended laughter)
News Room Set
12 hours after strike (off air)
RM: I hate him. I really, really hate him. How does he outdo us every. single. goddamned. time.
Anon Crew: (shouts out) Maybe because he is smarter ?
RM: (shrieking) Who said that? You’re as good as fired. Just leave now. I’m going to see you are gone today!
Failing Newspaper HQ
AS: Yes, you heard me correctly. Write a ‘hesitantly positive’ piece on the Syria strike.
RD: Do I really have to? I barely remember *how* to write positive pieces. I haven’t written one since O left office.
AS: You think I like saying this? Just do it.
Upstate New York
Remote Woods Location
H: That piece of s–t!
PJW: So I come out against Trump? I don’t get it. Will that be believable? Will I be the only one? I’ve worked hard to build my following and I don’t just want to piss that away.
P: It’s all going to work out. Trust me. It’s all about recalibration, like I explained.
PJW: So me jumping “off the Trump train” is part of a technique out to turn the propaganda chem attack story into a plus? To recalibrate the entire news cycle? Well, okay…I’ll do it. But it’s going to freak people out.
P: That’s the point!
SA: Good morning everybody. I so called it! Trump is playing 4D chess on binary opponents. This will be a short one today, I’ve got more interviews to do.